The whole car ride over to my best friend's house, I debated whether or not I was going to finally come clean about my high school year's biggest secret. By the time I picked up the ice cream, I harnessed whatever lack of shame the past few months have taught me and told myself I would do this for all the times that I could not. I took some upright starfish pose meditation moments, pressed the power button on my car, and felt I was ready. Upon exiting the green machine in the driveway, I began to have second thoughts. What if they don't like me anymore? What if they don't understand? After about five minutes of this nonsense I shut that crud down. I was going to do this, and that was final. Disclaimer: Some names have been changed for privacy and certain sections of this post may be difficult to read for anyone currently struggling with an eating disorder.
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Surveying the mass carnage that is the floor of my room, actually I cannot tell if it is the floor because said carnage is too deep to see where clutter ends and the ground begins, I sigh in agreement with my mother. Yes, it is time to pretend to be less piggish. Today I will do battle with summer old dust bunnies and demolish weeks worth of unidentified teenage yuck in one fell swoop. For Narnia! Today, I will clean my room. If the pile of papers by my feet weren't in danger of swallowing up my toes, I might have laughed at the irony of how much my room in this moment resembled that of mine when I was six. Once again, full circle. Disclaimer: Names have been changed for privacy. One of the most important lessons I learned in the eating disorder unit came from the lunchroom. Each and every day, the adolescent patients would line up ahead of the adults to wait for the dietitians to read off the exchanges for the meal. A quick background explanation for those who are unfamiliar with the urban dictionary of mental facilities. Exchanges are part of a system to replace calories as the measurement of food. It is through exchanges that one knows what they should be eating for their meal plan. For example, a tamale, instead of being X amount of nutrient of choice, was simplified into one starch and two proteins. The meal plan coincided with the exchanges in that there were a certain number of starches, proteins, fruits, vegetables, and fats that each patient is required to get per meal. Requirement of exchanges varied with each person depending on dietary needs. How the dietitians broke these categories down evades me to this day. Hey there, It has been a while since I last posted. I have much catching up to do. Many things to share. I remember opening this blog referring to my lack of hospitalization experience in the eating disorder department. Over the past month and a half, that statement has become invalid. A few days ago I was discharged from my first eating disorder program. I have staggered and am still staggering to understand what just happened. Here it goes, and brace your self, this is a long update. Hi Everyone,
It appears I have some explaining to do. Originally I wasn't going to say anything because I didn't want to talk about it, but in the spirit of honesty I'm attempting to uphold on this blog I will admit that I relapsed. I'm going to be taking a break from posting for a bit until my head is in a better place and then I'll tell you all about it. -Soliuna Right Now I am ok. |
Nerds in the NeighborhoodSoliuna
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